How to make your New Years Resolutions Stick

So often we set out to make changes in our lives or we create New Years Resolutions with the best intentions only to fall off the wagon in a few days, or weeks (or if you’re really committed—a couple months). The truth is we KNOW what we need to do to actually achieve our goals. To get healthy or lose weight—we know that we need to eat smaller portions, eat more vegetables, move our body. We know that we need to drink less alcohol and more water. We know that we should be powering down our devices by 8-9PM and be in bed by 9-10. We know we need to stop spending more than we make and buying unnecessary crap. We know we should stop scrolling so much and be present. So WHY don’t we?!? Why can’t we just follow through on our commitments to ourselves? Why is it that despite our best intentions we have a really hard time making changes in our lives? And after a few failed attempts to make a change, we just end up frustrated and unmotivated. So much so that we start to question if it is the right thing for us, we think: “Maybe, it’s just not meant to be” or “Maybe that’s not me”. But before you go throwing away all your hopes and dreams, or settling for less than you deserve because you’ve convinced yourself that something you really want is just “not meant for you”, let me ask you this—what would you do if you weren’t afraid? And before you go thinking: “I’m not afraid it’s just….” let me just tell you that you ARE afraid. You’re biologically and evolutionarily (yes I may have just made that up!) programmed to be afraid of the unknown. To shy away from the hard things—unless you NEED to do them for your survival. Because that has always been and will always be one of our greatest motivators as humans. Survival. And any threat to our sense of safety, security and/or well being threatens our survival on a unconscious level .

You see, the brain cannot tell the difference between real and perceived threats. They both cause stress, which causes cortisol also known as the stress hormone to kick in and blood to be diverted from our brain to the rest of our body (namely to our heart and towards our limbs so we could you know…run from bears and fight off saber tooth tigers and stuff). And although our lives have evolved to a place where we no longer need to do these things to survival (generally speaking), our bodies and brains still react the same way to stress. When the body goes into stress, the brain does NOT think clearly. Anytime we start to feel stressed and overwhelmed, we unconciously start to retreat. This is one reason we have a hard time following through. Believe it or not, your brain can’t tell the difference between real and perceived stress so while we may no longer have saber toothed tigers and bears to threaten our sense of safety on a daily basis we do have change and uncertainty. There are few things more certain in life than change and uncertainty…except maybe death and taxes. Some people avoid change and uncertainty as much as possible because they’re comfortable in their routines and the things they know, it allows them to feel safe, and as I mentioned we’re all biologically programmed to seek safety. But uncertainty and change are inevitable, especially when we want to break old habits or start something new. And the truth is that there is another part of our brain—our human brain—that is always looking for something better continuously seeking growth and improvement. That is also a natural desire. We want progress and we want change. It makes us feel alive. But, it’s also scary. Basically, you WANT change, but you also unintentionally end up fighting against it - so what can you do? Through my training in habit coaching we learned about three parts of the brain that can work against us when we try to make a change. Once you understand how these parts of the brain can work against you, it can help you create greater awareness around your thoughts and actions and reprogram certain natural responses.

The first part of the brain we learned about is the brain stem. In coaching, we also call this part of your brain the “critter brain”. It’s the part of your brain that doesn't like change or unpredictability. The purpose of this part of your brain is to maintain your sense of love, safety and belonging. This part of the brain is also the reason we all have patterns. As far as the critter brain is concerned, if you survive an experience and/or nothing really bad happened then that response is worth repeating. Anything “new” gets coded as unfamiliar which translates to “potentially risky or unsafe”. Unfamiliarity threatens your brain's sense of safety and security which starts a chain reaction in other parts of your brain that tries to get you to stop. Unfortunately, this part of the brain also prioritizes what it classifies as imminent threats over long term ones, so it may even deem unhealthy or unsafe coping mechanisms as a “safe” or acceptable outcome. Like smoking cigarettes to manage stress— this type of coping has the ability to turn into a much larger problem (like cancer and COPD) but the threat of that is so distant that the brain will chose the instant rewards and immediate comfort that habit provides (for example stress relief) over any new or unknown possibility. You are programed to choose whatever pattern of coping that has previously provided you with a sense of calm and safety, whether that coping mechanism is good for you or not. These types of coping mechanisms can be viewed by some as “problematic”, “bad” or “wrong” — but in coaching we recognize that every symptom, craving or behaviour has a positive intention, meaning they are just the best solution you have come up with so far for dealing with the way you are feeling and/or what you are experiencing. Understanding this means recognizing that there is hope — there are other options that can give your brain that same reward—whether it be relief or satisfaction and once you understand the laws of habit change, you will be break this old habit and/or create a new one.

Whenever you’re trying to create a new habit, break an old one or otherwise make some kind of change in your life, the experience is unfamiliar so the brain stem sends a message to the limbic system that says ”Danger, new experience” and the limbic system generates the corresponding emotions triggering fear and anxiety in effort to drive you away from that experience. This is when the “human brain” otherwise known as the cortex kicks in and tries to bring logic into the mix. It causes your conscious mind to try and justify your behavior or choices, which results in excuses like “I’m too tired”, “It’ll never work for me anyway”, “It’s too expensive”, “ I don’t have time / It’s not the right time”, or “I’ll do it tomorrow”. Can you hear them now? In your head? All the excuses and things you’ve told yourself and others to justify the behaviours and choices that are keeping you stuck?

Knowing that you’re inclined to fall back on what you know because of your factory programming can help you look out for these scenarios next time you’re in this circumstance. You can start by trying to calm your critter brain by acknowledging out loud that doing {or not] doing what you’re used to is scary. And feeling that way is normal. If you logically know that the thing you want to do is good for you and that you’ve carefully considered it before setting out to try it, then thank your brain for trying to keep you safe, and then tell it to quiet down because you’ve got this! The mind is such a powerful tool and once you understand how it works and how it influences behaviour, you can use it to your advantage.

The next secret to making real change and making it stick is NOT to make massive change and that’s often also why New Years Resolutions don't work. Usually when we set goals, we imagine the end result – the big audacious goal and we set out to do that. If you try to move too fast, or tackle too much at once, you will set off the alarm bells in your critter brain, and you’ll start to feel overwhelmed, frustrated and demotivated which will essentially scare yourself into backing off. So how do you sneak past that critter brain without setting off the alarm bells? The principal is making micro changes that compound like interest to create massive impact. If you set out to achieve your goal with small changes and behaviours then you make it less risky and easier for yourself to do them consistently. James Clears talks about a 2 minute rule. Pick a change you want to make or a habit you want to start and do it for 2 mins a day. You want to read more, schedule time to read 2 minutes a day. Want to work on a project, commit to 2 minutes per day of work or brainstorming. Anyone can do anything for two minutes...and if you do it for two minutes, it's seems like less of a comittment. Moreover, once you start doing it for two minutes, you may into a flow and not want to stop. Alternately, just take it slow, say you want to eat healthier this year..vow to cut out 1 food that you know isn't good for you and then once you master that habit, add one food that is good for you. You want to drink more water, start with one extra glass. Start small, create a habit and then build on it. Once you do that consistently, then it becomes automatic. Once it's automatic, it's easier to expand on or build on it. Moreover, now that you’ve started to prove your capabilities with small wins, you’ll likely have more confidence and motivation as a result of your initial successes and you’ll naturally move on to the next step or level. Breaking big goals down into smaller parts makes it feel more manageable.

Falling “off track” is the next thing that makes a big difference. While it’s important to start with small changes and make them consistently, it’s also important to know that you’re not perfect and you still slip up or trip up on your habit streaks. When that happens, resist the urge to throw away all your progress and resume your regularly scheduled programming. Change takes time and consistency. So often we develop an all or nothing attitude like: “Oh, I ate pizza today, I guess the whole day is ruined now”. Your success is greatly impacted by your resilience, which means your ability to bounce back after a miss. James Clear says if you miss a habit twice in a row, you’re essentially beginning to create another habit. So if you mess up, it’s okay—give yourself some grace and then get back up on that metaphorical horse and keep riding. As long as you don’t give up, you’re still closer to success then you were when you started.

The final thing that few people consider in making change the role identity plays, which is funny because it is possible THE most impactful way to make change. Ever wonder how the most successful people stay committed to habits? It’s all in their identity. The habits they have that support their success have become part of who they are. They don’t even have to think about them, they’re just automatic. Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing inherently special about these people, and nothing especially extraordinary about their level of committment to the habits themselves. Their habits are merely the system that supports their identity, which ultimately fuels their success. They are committed their personal best and that means that habits that allow them to achieve that. People often assume that identity change comes after the habits have changed and the goal is achieved because they believe that the habits influence the identity, but in actuality, the feedback loop works both ways. The habits are also upheld by the identity itself. I am the type of person who…. insert the verbiage that support the change you’re trying to make. That means deciding the kind of person you need to be to achieve your goals and then stepping into that identity. Be that person. When you have a moment where something came up or you’re tired or you just don’t feel like it, ask yourself — What would I do if I was the type of person who….is healthy? Who prioritizes her self care? Who is committed to doing her personal best? Who follows through on her committments to others and /or herself? (or insert your own identity here). You can use these questions as a checkpoint — a barometer for whether you are acting like the kind of person you want to be.

Hopefully these tips help you get even closer to having the happiest YOU year yet!

Do you have a goal for this year or a new year's resolution that you actually want to keep for once? Do you want to get identity aligned with your 2020 vision?

If so, I am PROUD and very excited to say that I am FINALLY accepting clients – absolutely FREE for a limited time. I have 4 open spaces for the new year and I am so excited to start helping you all reach your goals and become your best selves this year! Lets start this decade off right, lets start it as your best self so you’re not sitting at the end of the next decade with regrets, but instead looking back with pride at the person you’ve become and some of of the best years of your life!