What lies beneath “busy”?

It seems our our culture and therefore our lives are built on “busy”—we tell ourselves we need to be busy because…well, we just do, lest anyone assume we’re the opposite—-lazy. Besides you know what they say about “idle hands”…and how am I ever supposed to build those dreams if I’m not “busy”.

The truth is we’re constantly driven by a “need” or an obligation to DO something to make us feel good, productive, accomplished…or to alleviate guilt, please others and/or avoid dealing with things we don’t want to deal with. We keep mile long“to-do” list because they makes us feel '“busy” and in our culture “busy” is a badge of honour…we all compete for who’s the busiest, most tired, who’s most “deserving” of a break and self-care. We equate being busy with being important, valuable or worthy. It’s as if we don’t feel deserving of feeling good unless we’ve struggled and suffered. It’s as if we don’t feel deserving of rest and self care unless we’ve worn ourselves down or burnt ourselves out. This is a sickness and it needs to stop. There two big problems with “busy” that I’ve pointed out are what I really want to talk about here—one is using “busy” as a form of avoidance, the other is sometimes known as “destination” addiction—interestingly their root causes stem from the same place, our insecurities about our worth and value.

The fascinating thing about the human mind is that it’s really good at protecting us and helping us feel safe, and it sometimes develops unhelpful habits or patterns that assist us in doing this—it’s often found that where when we are clinging to something, it’s usually an attempt to cover up a wound, like being too busy to deal with things that feel scary, difficult, uncomfortable or even painful. That’s the great thing about “busy” is that it can serve as a good distraction from dealing with things that you’d rather not deal with. When you’re busy, it’s easy to avoid thinking about or feeling things because you’re too busy doing ALL the things. Maybe the truth is that busy is less of a badge and more of a bandage, covering up an unhealed wound. When we stop being busy, we in essence are ripping off the bandage protecting us, leaving the wound feeling vulnerable and exposed to the air. Maybe you’re feeling sad or lonely, and/or your relationship is on the rocks. Maybe you’re avoiding feelings of guilt or shame over your perceived failures…or maybe just a mess that you don’t want to clean up—literal or figurative. If you notice yourself busy for the sake of being busy, as yourself…what am I avoiding? I was listening to a talk with Alyssa Nobriga and she posed a question that stuck with me and I now use to to ask myself when I find myself busy—“What do you know that you don’t want to know?”. The truth is, you can’t be “busy” forever—you will eventually burn out and be forced to slow down. A wise woman once said “If you don't take time for your wellness, you will be forced to take time for your illness.". Taking care of your mental and emotional health is one way you need to take care of of your wellness and to do that, we need to dig deep and find the courage to face the things we’ve been avoiding because there is not only healing in that, but there are lessons and wisdom in there. It’s funny because like children, we think the bandage protects us and heals us, and maybe it does for a short while, but after some time, a bandage hinders the healing process more then it helps because wound needs air to fully heal…but ripping off the bandage is always the part we dread the most. When you take a moment to slow down, you can hear the desperate call to attention from the issue that needs to be addressed, and although it may be tempting to try to avoid it because we’re afraid to feel bad, to feel discomfort, and to feel pain, if we continue to resist it, it will persist, it will stay, it will fester, and it will eventually infect other areas of your life…but we have to feel it to heal it. If we choose to feel it, to accept it, and to work through it, we heal it, and we rediscover our inner peace and inherent wholeness.

A similar concept can be used to understand destination addiction—sometimes people find themselves on a hamster wheel, on a never ending race towards accomplishments. I’ll be happy when…[insert the thing you need, until you get it and decide that it wasn’t it and so you set your sights on the next thing you’re convinced will finally make you happy]. It’s never ending. I’ll be happy when is just another form of putting a bandage over a wound..only I’ll liken this more to never being able to find a bandaid that’s big enough or the right size or shape to adequately cover the whole. While the first type of wound may be more superficial and circumstantial, these wounds tend to be much larger or deeper. The busyness is more about checking off boxes or achieving things in an effort to feel worthy or whole. The often stems from small t trauma in our lives that left us feeling rejected, inadequate or never “good enough”—this tends to be present most often in people pleasers, achievers and/or perfectionists who feel their worth is tied to what they do for others or in their accomplishments. These people tend to think “My worth is in my value to others, and the way I show that is doing things for them” or “my worth is in how others view me — and I need to achieve (and/or be perfect) in order for others to see me as valuable”. Maybe you think that that shiny new title or raise will give it to you. Or maybe you think…when I find love…when I get married, when I see the world. When you question the real desire beneath the desire, you see the real need longing to be met. Maybe the story you’re telling yourself is “when I have a PhD, my dad will finally respect and approve of me” or maybe the story is “When I have that [title, car, house etc.] people will finally see me as successful” beneath both of those stories is a need for love, belonging and acceptance. The thing is, we assume that the thing we need will come from others, from outside of ourselves, but healing wounds and rediscovering our inherent wholeness is an inside out process.The truth is that WE are really the one who struggle to see, and feel the need to prove our own worth and value, because we can’t really get it from others, we need it from ourselves. Until we recognize our own inherent worth and value, we will always be seeking it outside of ourselves.